Recharging the Feminist Senses: When Optimism Meets Depression

Rosie, "At My Window" by Townes Van Zandt

After a fantastic few days in Denver at the NWSA conference I find myself returning to my office with a bit of depressed optimism. Is that even possible to combine those two words together and make sense? Let’s see if I can make sense of this….

I’m always amazed at how quickly my optimistic feminist bubble and recharging experiences can quickly burst after returning from an environment that inspired, challenged, and encouraged me to think outside my creativity and myself. Thank you NWSA for reminding me why I am who I am and do what I do.

I could go on and on about how powerful the NWSA conference made me feel but this blog is about how I am coming to terms with my power in an environment and climate that limits women’s power.

I like to bottle up all that I witnessed at these types of conferences and release the contents and watch them seep into the minds and hearts of people in my community. If only it were that simple.

In the few short days that I have returned, not only do I find my words flowing uncontrollably out of my mouth to try and inspire others but I find there are some who appear, with crossed arms and over speak language, seeming to not want to hear what I have to say. Is this because they know something I don’t? Is it that they don’t want the refill of hope spilled into them to then be crushed by administrative strife? Either way, it hasn’t taken me long to settle back down into my everyday struggle of promoting, educating, and supporting gender on the lives of women and men within a climate that could care less about this topic until it brings in corporate money.

My small, meager, all-be-it important job position has once again met the ugly green monster of marginalization. Our program is undergoing another reorganization within a 12-month period. Moving this money loosing hot potato of a program out of one area into another division possibly dealing with similar criteria of sorts.

Where will this new move lead me? I am optimistic, to a point, but it may be at another’s direction. A direction that knocks me back rather than forward, swaying me back to where I’ve come from, challenging me to mobilize my voice more poetically towards progress without getting fired. Yes, there is fear in my tone because I have worked too hard and sacrificed too much to not be recognized, validated, and compensated for my dedication to promoting feminism in this place.

How do I move forward? I recognize those moments, like today, that are not merely coincidences but signs from someone or something. Here’s the story: My door was open and the lights were on. A graduate student not affiliated with the program stopped by unannounced looking for resources for his research on “women in politics” and saw that we had a lending library. He needed to know more about how he could access the library and if he needed to be in the program to do so. We talked about his research topic with a few more details and the more I spoke with him I realized how much he needed validation and support of where he was taking his research. So, even though our office is in a basement off the beaten path it made me realize that if there is a need a student will find their way.

How much of a coincidence is that? For me, the answer is clear; it was a sign. A sign that I will take with me to remind others and myself, that will listen, that feminism is alive and well in this conservative space and it is up to me to show it, embrace it, and promote it. So, with that, my optimism is back and my depression put on the back burner, at least, until tomorrow.

How to welcome winter in West Tx

The icy wind
Wakes me to my senses

 

Knocking back
Pressing forward

Flags pop and flap
Beating their own tune

Dust devils find you
No matter where you are

Leaves on trees
Replaced with WalMart bags

Free exfoliating sensation
Greeting my moist lips

All of these senses can endure

While I ponder the winter sunset

A sunset so big
I am swallowed whole

Like a fire ant on a giant round ball
Floating down stream

Why do I use the term “gay bullying” and not bullying alone?

“Almost 85 percent of LGBTQ teenagers are harassed in high school because of their sexual orientation, with 61 percent of gay youth reporting that they felt unsafe in school and 30 percent staying home to avoid bullying” -  (2009 Gay Lesbian Straight Education Network survey).

I’ve been reading various responses to the recent four nationally recognized gay teens that completed suicide; Tyler Clementi, 18, Seth Walsh, 13, Billy Lucas, 15, and Asher Brown, 13, realizing that these are only four of many more gay or perceived to be gay bullied teens that find themselves facing a life that is not worth living and hopeless.

I’ve purposely used the word gay to identify these teens and the type of bullying they experienced.  Reason is, I’ve noticed some responses to these tragedy’s as people thinking that because the gay teen is identified as gay and the bullying is homophobic and intolerant that those talking about these deaths are some how promoting the “gay agenda” or the using these deaths as a “political statement”.

My first reaction is what type of agenda does one perceive the "gay agenda" to be?  Promoting tolerance agenda?  A human right agenda? A civil rights agenda?  All of which I would answer yes and admittedly say of course my response to these deaths is part of promoting tolerance and human rights.

Here is one example by “smittshow” taken from OUTwest Lubbock Youtube “It Gets Better Project” Channel; smittshow says; “…you shouldn’t have put such a strong emphasis on gay kids being bullied, a lot of kids get bullied for many other reasons.”

And another by Britton Peele columnist from the Texas Tech University, Daily Toreador, "Bullying serious problem, don’t mix politics into issue"; “…I feel as if too many people are taking the fact that these suicides were by members of the gay community and rushing to make a political statement out of it.”

I’ve also read Rachel Simmons Newsweek article, "The Nine Most Common Myths About Bullying" and Jessica Bennett “Are We a Nation of Bullies?" with great respect and gratitude for pointing the conversation in directions that, as a whole, make us contemplate the underlying current to bullying.

Yes, the statistics are outrageous no matter what type/kind of bullying we are discussing.  Yes, young and old, straight and gay, people have in some manner experienced and/or witnessed bullying or have been the bully themselves.  The issue for me is, when bullying is covered and discussed in the media looking for answers from school leaders tasked with protecting and representing all students, the system breaks down and reveals that "sexual orientation" is excluded in written policies and procedures while all other descriptions such as race, color, religion, gender, national origin, and disability are included.

By not including “sexual orientation” as a descriptive, defining whom this type of discrimination touches, supports the social, political and ideological system that has been in place for generations and adds to the practice of dehumanization of GLBTQ people. Deep seeded anti-gay bias from unknown teens to politicians, from television/movies to the church pulpit, from state bans on adoption, to not serving openly in the military, as well as having to live with the fear of loosing your job if you “come out” at work.  It seems obvious to me why I would be discussing “gay” bullying over all other types of bullying at this point and time; because gay bullying is validated, reinforced and in some communities celebrated to dehumanize someone because they identify as GLBTQ or are perceived to be “gay”. The message is clear to the GLBTQ community; “please don’t exist” and if you do exist we don’t want to know about it.

The problem is, or shall I say the problem for an intolerant person is, that GLBTQ people do exist and on some levels the mediums listed above have showcased some support for GLBTQ people by way of character plots and "reality" television, and/or showing in the news the potential "threat" of overturning laws set in the last 10-15 years. 

The issue I take with television/movies/advertising is that images of GLBTQ identified person’s still follow the pattern of hetero-normative media representation, leaving out GLBTQ people based on race, class, gender identified, ability, age, etc.  Some would say I should just be glad they don’t have us written into the script as murdering, drug dealer, pedophiles, that die at the end of the film at the hand of the “confused” character that suddenly finds, after a heated affair with someone of the same sex, that they are straight again!

Have we come that far? Far enough where one can separate media images of fantasy to that of images of real lived experiences?  All those that I ask usually say yes that they can differentiate fact from fiction.  But what is the issue? Why is the audience continually bombarded with this imagery if we still classify it as fiction?  Does our fictitious fantasy need to be degrading and intolerant?

I choose to talk about “gay” bullying and say it with purpose to remind people that all bullying, while harmful in every way, is not discussed equally.  Until school districts consciously include "sexual orientation", gay and/or perceived to be gay youth will not find relief.  Until media consciously begins to light a real lived experience of representing gay or perceived to be gay individuals as no longer condemned by outside sources on a continuous basis, I will always make a point to single out the anti-gay, hate filled speech and torment as a most horrendous form of greed and power.  For me, it is time to give the power back to survivors of bullying to stand up and fight because talking about bullying alone is not enough.

How can you help? Check out  GLSEN Safe Space anti-bullying campaign.  Learn how to get this packet/kit into your school: http://www.glsen.org/cgi-bin/iowa/all/antibullying/index.html

 

More than "A Wink and A Nod"

I found a post on my Facebook page today that moved me to tears and while very heartbreaking to listen to, I did find hope.

Ft. Worth, TX City Council member Joel Burns took his time for announcements to reflect on the current gay youth suicides and to tell his personal story. I was so moved that I put aside my “to do” list for today to write this blog.

Over the past six months I’ve taken part in a committee of volunteers planning and organizing events for GLBTQ Awareness Month. I didn’t realize six months ago that when we suggested to show Trevor: The Film and OUT in the Silence as part of our GLBTQ Film Festival that they would be so needed. Early on, I received some criticism from a few members of the queer community that said; “we shouldn’t have sad and depressing events” but instead we should be “celebrating our lives”. I partly agree with my peers but at the same time I know that not all of us are in the same “safe place” in our lives.

As news breaks about another “gay” teen committing suicide, our community has slowly began to participate in our version of the “it gets better project”. Members of the planning committee felt so strongly that our community needed to “do something” that we started our own Youtube channel with local GLBTQ and Allies that felt they had something to say and needed to say it. I anticipate that we can bring awareness to the gay teen suicides that have happened in our own community while supporting others currently in crisis.

While taking part in the project (being behind the camera and hearing everyone’s story) and attending all of the awareness events so far, today’s video message from Joel Burns hit me pretty hard. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m feeling the “community organizer blues” or is it that I’m rethinking my own hidden identity to my family.

As I watched Joel speak about his personal story, I found myself thinking once again how powerful the media can be. Because I have friends that will post and send me messages such as this one, I’m hoping that my local news sources will pick up on the story and run it. But I know all too well when it is not “sensational” enough or doesn't connect celebrity to our town, it won’t run. This leads me to remember how, as a young budding lesbian in the 1980’s, I learned about what it was like to be someone that identified as gay or lesbian through watching the media.

I’m having flashbacks to my time in Junior High and High School during the 1980’s and remember that I was fully aware that if I were to “come out” I would not be welcomed. My news channels, locally and nationally, were reporting on the overwhelming numbers of people across the country contracting and dying of AIDS related illnesses. I witnessed the slow agonizing process of investigating and researching what this disease was while laced with a sense of urgency and panic for citizens in our own backyard.

I find it odd that I never met someone that was diagnosed with AIDS as the "gay disease" but instead was introduced to AIDS as sharing dirty needles and the "just say no to drugs campaign". Three years into my Mom and Stepfather's marriage, I was told that my step-cousin, that I had only known for a short time, died of AIDS. This was my first hand experience of seeing just how manipulative the media was and how much it played a part in how I defined AIDS. I also knew to keep the reason for her dying a secret. After this experience I knew that it would take a long time before the "gay disease" terminology and ideology would begin to subside.

Even though my firsthand experience with AIDS was more about how straight people contract the disease thru drug use, I knew what image I was supposed to uphold and being a lesbian was not the “right” way to live. I was confident of my feelings for other girls and I knew I needed to be true to myself but was faced with image after image and news feed after news feed that gays and lesbians will die of the “gay disease” spreading across the United States.

I’ve found myself reliving those disparaging memories, memories I’ve tried to block out of my mind, but somehow they keep coming back. Now the images are returning but they are in the form of young people, dying by way of their own hand. I find myself asking the same questions I heard back then when the President of the United States wouldn’t even say the word AIDS until Ryan White contracted the disease thru a blood transfusion; “How many more people have to die before something is done?”

There has to be a nation wide response to awaken the poor discrimination and harassment policies and procedures that parents and teens face while trying to make their schools responsible. Those that are in crisis deserve more than “a wink and a nod”.

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To find out what your school district policy is with regard to "student welfare: freedom from bullying and/or freedom from discrimination, harassment, and retaliation" and what it covers:

1.) Look up you school districts web site

ex. LISD = http://lubbockisd.org

2.) On some web sites it is hard to find but know that you are looking for some terminology such as "policy online" to get you to viewing the policy. Using the example of LISD, place your cursor over the navigation bar with the words "District Info & News"

3.) Click on "LISD Policy Online"

4.) Type in the words student welfare and click search

5.) If you click on STUDENT WELFARE: FREEDOM FROM DISCRIMINATION, HARASSMENT, AND RETALIATION you will see how your district defines "discrimination"

6.) If you click on STUDENT WELFARE: FREEDOM FROM BULLYING you will see how your district defines "bullying"

There are only four ISD's in Texas that protect students from discrimination based on sexual orientation: Houston, Dallas, Fort Worth, & Austin.

These policies are revised as needed to reflect changes in federal or state law, Texas Education Guidelines, and local options.

Find your legislator to ask why some Texas schools include sexual orientation in their student welfare policy and others don't? Is this only a "local issue" that needs to be addressed? How does one local area differ from another if we are talking about students need a safe place to learn?

God, Family, Lattes and Bikini's

It’s the same old sexism with a bold new flavor.

There is a new business in this sleepy little West Tx town, using the same old ways of commerce/capitalism, turning a buck at the expense of others. Ooo La Lattes owned by Joe and Bruce, two “God fearing” and “family loving” guys that just want to put their entrepreneurial skills “out on a limb”, have opened a new coffee house. This town (approx. pop. 200,000) now has, at my count; six independently owned coffee shops competing with Starbucks which has four locations, counting the campus and Barnes & Noble bookstore at the mall.

What’s the big deal? It’s just a coffee shop, right? What could possibly warrant a blog post spent talking about coffee? If you read S. Coleman with Talk Lubbock you'll know what the big deal is with "Hooter-like jugs hanging just right". Also, the facebook page of KLBK/KMAC news channel (scroll down to June 22nd) seemed to have some folks saying that there are those "jealous folks" that need to get hip with the times, as other big cities in Texas have already done and that progress is good, if we just open up another coffee shop with men dressing similarly, in place of women.

Hear what the all female staff thinks of their work environment and dress code, oh, and the coffee they sell.

How was this new business covered on the local news channel? Couldn't get the link to be embedded so you'll need to click on this to Lubbock Online to view the story: http://everythinglubbock.com/fulltext/?nxd_id=56395

Raising eyebrows! You don’t say! That’s an understatement. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy deconstructing some young women's argument that tell me “women have come so far, being independent from influences of main stream media” that “we” are in control of how we are exploited and it’s our choice to be in those type of situations, on and on I could go; BUT this story is not your typical run of the mill “call out sexism” type post. Instead this is a story of hypocrisy as the cherry (no pun intended) on top of the sexist cake.

In a conservative town that prides itself and it’s founding morals on being “the best place to raise a family”, I’m not sure Mom and Dad will take the kids to Ooo La Lattes on their way to church for a coffee or hot chocolate for the kids. Oh, that’s right they’re not open on Sunday’s. Just when all those good Christian folk need something for that hangover! Cue “Lubbock Or Leave It” by the Dixie Chicks.

Also, what’s the big deal? “It’s a nice little spin and you need a gimmick to make money today” and don’t forget “different strokes for different folks”.

It’s not new, right? “Hooters” has been doing it since 1983 and their Internationally known and have a Wikipedia page. If it's not new then what's the big deal?

The bid deal is this:

Using women’s bodies to sell a product is sexism. The hypocrisy is that the virtuous and morally principled owners have hit on something to sell their product at the profit of constructed women’s bodies as nothing more than commodities. A typical question that comes to mind with this discussion; does this mean I’m calling for equal treatment of men’s bodies as fragments to even the playing field? No, why would I want to call for men to experience the same issues of body image, self worth, stereotypes, etc.? No, no one gender, race, class, body, orientation, age group, etc should be constructed, fragmented, pieced apart in a manner that exploits their social, political and economic worth for profit.

I’ll admit I’ve only viewed the web site and seen the fan page on Facebook. Others have told me that they drove by with their teenage daughters in the car and immediately the daughters told their Mom; “Those women don’t have any clothes on!” You see; the drive thru window is much lower than traditional drive thru windows and seems to go as far down as midway down her thigh and the top of the window reaches as tall as just under the overhang. On this day, they must have been wearing their bikini "uniform". It did make for a great conversation on the drive home that day and the Mom was struck by how her daughters could distinguish sexism, "in the flesh" (pun intended).

I’m not sure I really need to drive by or even buy a cup of coffee to know sexism when I see it? Just like I don’t have to define sexism to those that have experienced it first hand. The hand, so to speak, comes on my television on the movie screen, even in my daily walk across campus as well as face-to-face acts.

Just in case; here is a reminder of the basic definition of sexism

-noun

attitudes or behavior based on traditional stereotypes of sexual roles

If the images don’t convince you maybe the way you order that special cup of “Joe” might make you think otherwise.

• Cup sizes are "B" cup, "C" cup, and "D" cup
  
• Don’t forget the catchy names of some of the specials: “Tripple X”, “The Push-UP”, “The Wild Thing”, “The Commando”; all organically made. All in all these names can be used in most any restaurant or bar but when you hear them coming from the barista at the drive thru window, flashing you a little more skin than you are used to at a coffee house, you seem to get the pun and point to why Ooo La Lattes is the type of business standing out above the rest.

So, what is the bottom line for me? What should I learn from this new coffee establishment’s “gimmick”? That *hypocrisy is alive and well in this sleepy little town, out in the environment where cotton, oil, football and sexism are KING!

*Note: Hypocrisy in this case equals the context of using women, dressed in clothing attire that would be declined in a schoolhouse but acceptable at a strip club, as a gimmick to attract customers to sell them coffee; therefore exploiting another person based on traditional stereotypes of sexual roles.

One last thought:

Why didn’t J&B Coffee, Day Break Coffee, Sugar Brown’s Coffee, Otto’s Granary and Grand Café do the same? Maybe they just didn’t have a sense of humor or a creative management team like Joe and Bruce

Resources on sexism by Media Education Foundation:

Dreamworlds 3

Killing Us Softly 3

Tough Guise

Women's Media Center:

"Sexism Sells But We're Not Buying It"

I Want My Feminist Music!

This blog is in response to the awesome-ness that is Fair and Feminist, someone you should follow on Twitter (@fairandfeminist) and on the blog (http://fairandfeminist.com/)

I am a 41-year-old “young feminist”. I am “young” to feminism in the way that I am using the word, feminist/feminism, more often in my everyday speak, my art making, and my career choice. I am not young to the belief in feminism and how it has impacted my life but I am young in a sense that I have found my voice much later in life.

Coming to this realization consciously, I decided to use this opportunity to share with others how I believe music and more specifically women in music was a stand in for my voice at an early age.

I was given a copy of “The Runaways”, the movie, for my birthday. As I watched a young Joan Jett and Cherie Currie kick, scream, shout, and sing their way to history, I was reminded why I fell in love with women in music. Music has been a part of my life, living as an open diary, a fantasy lover, a celebration of life, and a loyal friend I can call on at 3am.

I grew up with a small portable transistor radio, when all the hot top 40 stations were on AM radio, an eight track portable player, and a console TV with a five channel tuning knob in which I was the remote control, turning the dial till my Mom told me to stop. These were my resources to take me far away from my life in a small town (population 2,000) in Texas.

From Tanya Tucker (8-track Country) to Pat Benatar (Rock-n-Roll cassettes and MTV) I found myself learning the in’s and out’s of love in a rough and tumble type of “kiss me, but don’t think you can have me” attitude. As I look back now, I think I had many “click” moments of when I knew I was a feminist; I just kept them hidden inside.

The music was loud and blasting out of my room every chance I had. When I was old enough to drive, legally, I was always conscious of having a radio that worked. Radio was my salvation!

With every beat of the drum and grind of a guitar string or a sultry ballad, validating itself over and over, again and again, I knew that I could be and do anything I wanted. I was never told I was living in a feminist world at the price of other women that had come before me. I only knew that the women that were raising me were powerfully determined.

So, who were the women in my early life still speaking the words I wished I could, making me get out of my chair to grab my hairbrush to sing out loud and giving me the words to speak my truth? Here’s a list of just a few that come to mind as I reminisce my feminist music play list of my life. Cheers to all the women in music that remind us of our youth, our power and our passion for feminism.

Roberta Flack (my first 45 record), Donna Summer, Linda Ronstadt, Emmylou Harris, Tanya Tucker, Janis Joplin, Stevie Nicks (Fleetwood Mac/Solo), Dolly Parton, Grace Slick (Jefferson Airplane), Dusty Springfield, Karen Carpenter, Chrissie Hynde (The Pretenders), Suzie Quatro, Debby Harry (Blondie), Heart (Ann & Nancy Wilson), Patty Smith, Pat Benatar, Joan Jett (Runaways/Solo), Lita Ford (Runaways/Solo), Madonna, Annie Lennox, Tina Turner, Cyndi Lauper, Tracy Chapman, Melissa Etheridge, Stevie Nicks, Go Go’s, Aimee Mann (Till Tuesday), Bonnie Tyler, Cher

Link to listen to a few artists listed above:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLqPwl8IqpU

Straight Night at the Gay Bar

 www.chacha.com

School is back in session and the bars will once again be filling up here in this sleepy West TX town. As the Dixie Chicks song, "Lubbock or Leave It" echos in my head I found myself remembering the questions I asked a few months back when I heard that the only two "gay bars" in town were going to alternate Friday and Saturday nights as "Straight Night". I'll pre-face this post by saying the only reason I went to the gay bar was because my straight friends wanted to go...and then I was hooked!

--

Why did you come to "straight night" at the "gay bar"? Do you come to this bar when it is not straight night? Is this a gay bar? Are gay people here now? Are straight people here now? How do you know? Who decides who looks gay and who is not? Is the music you are listening to and dancing to gay or straight? Are the drinks you buy the same or different because of what night it happens to be or the name the bar happens to be tonight?

The lines between gay and straight nightlife has maintained a significant split as long as bars have existed here in Lubbock. Yes, a gay person does go to a straight bar. I should know, I’m one of them. I used to burn up the dance floor with as many straight guys I could find just to have fun and hang out with my straight friends. It was all very innocent because I knew the chance meeting would go no further than dancing. At times there was a "gender free for all" tendency on the dance floor, depending on the song of choice, but there was never enough freedom for two people of the same sex to dance openly with each other. Therefore, the gay bar scene would be that one location where anyone could feel safe and overcome any fears of retaliation.

Everybody, gay and straight, knows where to go for nightlife if they want to find something different, out of the ordinary, and in most instances the most open. Yes, you’ve guessed it, the gay bar is the place to be if you find yourself not fitting in. The straight folks I know that have found themselves at the gay bar, a many a nights, find themselves there because of the music, lights, specials and freedom. Through this mix of communities the lines seem to be blurring and a small circle of people have maintained a working relationship with little to no physical incidents requiring the Lubbock police to show up in force, until now when the place is advertised as "straight nite".

Living in the second most conservative city in the United States, those that self identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and queer, find slim pickings for an open night on the town. The gay bar life is one location that is available to meet, greet and be "Mary". Over the past year the two gay bars (defined by way of many displays of rainbows, drag queen shows and the queer community) in Lubbock have decided to host "straight nite". Interesting enough it has even been advertised on local radio. On alternating Friday and Saturday nights you will find people being turned away at the gay bars because they "look gay".

Using the distinctly decorated, remodeled (except the bathrooms), gay clientele climate for the purpose of straights only night has brought animosity among an already small gay customer base. Instead of catering to the mixed (straight and gay) crowd that has kept this business actively attended for the past ten years, segregation is rearing its ugly head, dividing the community for profit. Seems that the most tolerant and accepting safe place promoting freedom from ignorance and bigotry now aims to host predominantly straight patrons (distinguished by looks) without embracing the gay culture that has no other safe place to go except another "gay" bar that isolates and keeps gay people locked in a corner conveniently accepting this segregation, thanking their lucky stars for this one sliver of hope that there is in a town this size. The documentary by the Dixie Chicks, "Shut Up and Sing", comes to mind.

The worst of both worlds is occurring as a result of not allowing straight and gay bar patrons to mix at the gay bar. It is my theory that if segregation is advertised, condoned and mandated then friction on many levels is ineffective for all involved, resulting in intolerance and homophobia to run rampant.

It is my belief that, for some, nightclubs and bars are stand ins for community centers. For the most part, people utilize bars with "10,000 watts of sound and lighting pumping the hottest high-energy dance and hip-hop music" to forget about the world outside, allowing free flowing emotions to throw caution to the wind and celebrate life.

Can the owners shed some light on this topic? Can the patrons of these establishments contribute to this intolerance and bigotry by attending? I’ve heard witnesses of homophobic and degrading remarks spoken openly by both owners and patrons alike. I’m guessing the old saying "like goes with like" fits with this situation. For me, it’s hitting too close to home for my comfort zone.

Q&A with a a Feminist Artist

I'm starting a new project called Q&A with a Feminist Artist and I wanted to begin by asking for questions you think I should ask during my interview.

First some background:
As I'm returning from a long recess of playing with this blog thing, I came up with a way that I can do two things: promote women artist that are alive and working as well as promote my feminist perspective related to art and art making. So my idea is to help promote women artist in the community and beyond that specifically identify as feminist.

I got this idea because of all the reviews and interviews I've been seeing of "famous" artists with massive retrospective exhibitions (which are predominantly male). With a lack of feminist artist interviews I found myself drawn to an online interview by Artkrush (AK) with exhibition organizer Cornelia Butler (CB), regarding the show she organized called WACK! Art and the Feminist Revolution, I found myself focused on the last question of the interview.

AK: Is the art world still male-dominated, or is that a thing of the past?

CB: The issue now is that sexism — to use a rather tired term — is more insidious now because it's less overt. Young women and men have incredible access to the system at the entry level. The problem remains that women drop into a black hole at the mid-career level. In general, you have to be either 32 or 86, and there is a desert in between. Also, if you look at the institutional support in terms of retrospectives and major publications devoted to women artists, the statistics are still pathetic.

After reading Cornelia’s answer I thought of my artist friends and other women artist I admire that were supposed to be in this “black hole” of career development. This lead me to wonder, if a good number of my feminist artist friends, including myself, were supposed to be in this black hole of creativity then what is it that their work is saying that may contradict this statement? Is there any truth to this analysis of where women artist are and why they may or may not be visible to the art world? How could I get to some answers to these questions? Are my artist friends that I define as feminist artist defining themselves the same? Does their artwork scream Feminism? How would interviewing them help me find answers?

So, here we are. Post any interview questions you think I have to ask....

Cleaning Up "Disappointment": Why I would be proud to work with Lt. Dan Choi

First question: why has it taken me this long to respond to Nonnie Ouch’s letter to Lt. Dan Choi? Second question: why do I care what one person living in Lubbock, TX says about GLBTQ activism? The answer is simply; for the past eight months I, along with many others, have been meeting, coordinating, fundraising, negotiating and planning GLBTQ Awareness events for Lubbock, TX. and I am financially and physically vested in efforts to bring local, state and national activist to speak.

Additionally, this letter has reached my twitter-verse and blogosphere GLBTQ/Feminist followers and I don’t want one person’s individual “disappointment” over money appearing to represent the larger body of GLBTQ people in Lubbock TX. I have read and appreciate Between Floating and Leeching: The Financial Struggle of the LGBT Activist by: Zack Ford (-promoted by Pam's House Blend) and What is feminism Worth? By Jessica Valenti. Your critiquing of Ms. Ouch’s topic was well spoken.

Once again, Lubbock has a “black –eye”, and the GLBTQ and Feminist grapevine is seeing why they might want to stay clear of our small city. I am left explaining to those potential speakers why Lubbock TX, conservative as it may be, needs and will financially support speakers like Choi to help create dialogue rather than debates.

I am one of many Lubbock GLBTQ activists that exist in this city of 200,000. I did not see the need to send an open letter regarding Lt. Dan Choi, because I was privy to more information than is public knowledge. Individual negotiation tactics were exposed and questioned. Asking these questions were additional Lubbock organizations, which understandably were willing to negotiate a fee with an agent instead of the initial liaison, first involved. Before this negotiation could take place, state media outlets picked up on Ms. Ouch’s letter. As is typical in a small conservative community, it only takes one person’s publicity to bring a whole group effort to a state of unrest. As the saying goes; one-step forward, two-steps back.

I have had the good fortune of being part of community planning for the past 10 years. In this short time I have participated in raising funds ranging from small to large, bringing speakers of this caliber to Lubbock. A few years ago a coalition of community leaders and organizers came together to form a GLBTQ Awareness Committee. These members found it necessary to come together after a short lived Student Diversity Relations Department, on the University campus, was no longer in existence. Additionally, as of 2006, there is a virtual Community Center that is coming off a fundraising high from hosting a successful Art Exhibit & Auction. These are only a few examples, of many, that support our GLBTQ heritage, history and diversity way out here in West TX.

Living in the second most conservative city in the USA (taken from the Bay Area Center for Voting Research, 2006), my GLBTQ & Allies community is small but powerful. I thank the founders of the first GLBT Community Center (1985-1992) and the up and coming virtual community center of today, OUTwest Lubbock. I thank the health providers and organizations that have been here all along in small corners and on open avenues. I thank the religious communities for surrounding themselves in the common goal of equality for all. I thank the legal community that continues to represent so many GLBTQ individuals and groups, leading to state and national coverage of the public protest against Fred Phelps and his flock. I also thank Nonnie Ouch for reminding me how powerful our community is, here in a town people pass thru on their way to somewhere else.

The bottom line is; I would be proud to work with Lt. Dan Choi and his agent to bring him to Lubbock. He would make a great addition to our already present activist community that works out of love.

For more information on upcoming events in Lubbock, TX check out OUTwest Lubbock events page:

http://www.outwestlubbock.org/events.htm

Rolodex of Feminism and Moving Forth

After a brief conversation last night trying to help a friend find a word/term for describing a group of feminist from author Ruth Rosen, I realized how much of a feminist virgin I am. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have a whole line of blog entries to fill here of all of my personal experiences of being, acting, and learning feminism.

Putting that aside, what I am really lacking is the education of past feminist writings. I have wished, on a number of occasions, that I could rent a hotel room for a week and just read all the books that are on my third shelf. Room service would be frequent and bath time would be full of bubbles and books. Here is a short list or bibliography of sorts that feature my not yet finished books, barely cracked spines, and the books I should have read a long time ago.

1.) The World Split Open: How the Modern Women’s Movement Changed America by Ruth Rosen (2000)
2.) Sexual Politics by Kate Millett (1969)
3.) Backlash: The Undeclared War Against American Women by Susan Faludi (1992)
4.) Epistemology of the Closet by Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick (1990)
5.) Gender Trouble by Judith Butler (1990)
6.) Outlaw Culture: Resisting Representations by bell hooks (1994)
7.) Different Daughters: A History of the Daughters of Bilitis and the Rise of the Lesbian Rights Movement by Marcia M. Gallo (2007)
8.) Women, Race and Class by Angela Davis (1983)

What else is on the shelf?

1.) Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons (2003)
2.) When Everything Changed by Gail Collins (2009)
3.) Girls Speak Out by Andrea Johnston and Gloria Steinem (2005)
4.) Faces of Feminism: An Activist’s Reflections on the Women’s Movement by Sheila Tobias (1998)
5.) Enlightened Sexism: The Seductive Message that Feminism’s Work is Done by Susan J. Douglas (2010)
6.) Click: When We Knew We Were Feminists by J. Courtney Sullivan and Courtney E. Martin (2010)
7.) Stonewall by Martin Bauml Duberman (1994)
8.) To Be Real: Telling the Truth and Changing the Face of Feminism by Rebecca Walker (1995)

With this wish of one day spending seven days (or more) dedicating myself to reading other feminist works, I’ll keep in mind that we all come to our own in our own time. I’ll also remind myself that it took me a few years to set the wheels in motion to research other feminist artist and I’m still adding to the list today.

The bottom line to this experience last night was that I enjoyed trying to help figure out the missing link and I look forward to future discussions that bring the past into the present; adding to my rolodex of feminism and moving forth.

Artwork

Through visual art, I have broken my silence and hit my stride in depicting other issues that come with loving someone of the same sex openly.

• "Imagine having a secret desire and needing to invent a language to talk about it even to yourself. Imagine especially valuing truth over lies and finding it unacceptable both to deny one's desire and identity, and to live in a world in which it was so systematically erased and punished that there was no other way to state this desire/identity even to yourself but in a secret code." - Check, E and Lampela, L, From Our Voices, Art Educators and Artist Speak Out About Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Trandgendered Issues (2003)

Safe art was my beginning. I made photographs that were simple and mimicked what I saw in my heterosexual society. Historically there are many photographers that based their own works on the beautiful landscape. I look back now and relate the need for the landscape as my own search for my place in life. I've grown up with a common sense of home and knowing where that place is. I'm on the verge of that sense of home deteriorating literally and figuratively due to family illness and deciding the inevitable moment of choosing to be open with my family.

My current work has given me room to experiment with my views, thoughts, and concerns about how "queerness" is documented, reviewed and subjected in society. I've been timidly labeling myself as a lesbian artist. As an emerging lesbian artist, I realize that I make the choice not to exhibit my work anywhere near a place it might come in close contact of a member of my family. I would also be uncomfortable teaching in a town where I could not be compelled to advocate for my beliefs that conflict with my family's belief system. With that said however, I do not shy away from making, discussing, and exhibiting my work in any other part of the United States. In many way, the appalling lack of Queer representation in schools, galleries, museums and other social public spaces and the lack of understanding the importance of Queer artists and histories is, to say the least, needing to be recognized. My work can be categorized as a means to mitigate that factor and add dynamic dialogue to the existing discourse.

The mainstream network of individuals advocating for the most recent Queer representation has focused on non-discriminatory rights for "gays to get married". Is the constitution the "place" to define marriage between one man and one woman? If divorce were scrutinized as much as same sex marriage has been this past year, then would the President of the United States (1) be so adamant about proposing a constitutional amendment? I see hypocrisy in today's political environment; selfish individuals that authoritatively condemn what is not their own. I see others defining and packaging their detached interpretation in order to visibly show people shaking their heads in agreement, which denotes understanding, to an issue/topic that they have not investigated themselves. I have issue with "followers" that do not know what they are following or don't seem to want to know why they are following. The knowledge structure and academic system should not be based solely on my "mythical norm, white....male....heterosexual..."(2) but I believe it should be open to all variations of the norm as defined by society.

With eager anticipation I predict that my art making will contest the repression that I have placed on myself and that I have faced in my life. This emotion I believe represents that advocate, feminist, independent woman that came from female family influences. Indirectly I now see how my early childhood experiences and influences came to direct my path as a lesbian and as an artist.

(1) At the time of my original writing Pres. George W. Bush was in office.

(2) "The Next Generation; Lesbian Learning/Learning Lesbian", Check, E and Lampela, L, From Our Voices, Art Educators and Artist Speak Out About Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Trandgendered Issues (2003)

Decisions

With the decision to deny myself, as a lesbian, I came to understand that my desire for other women would have to be silent. I made a pack with myself that I dare not admit to anyone, my love for women, again unless I felt certain I would be comfortable enough to stand-alone. I became shy, timid, and good at deterring annoying personal questions, asking if I was dating anyone.

As my senior year came near and the thought of college came about I had more and more questions about my future career choices than I did about the dating scene that I seemed to have escaped. It wasn't till the summer of my junior year that I had physical contact with a boy, unless I count when I was seven years old and tried the "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" experience. I was just excited as relieved that now maybe I could get out from under this questionable image that had been created a year prior when I professed my love for another woman. (see next post for that story) I began to think that maybe this was the one guy that would change my mind about loving and lusting after other women. He paid attention to me, to my amazement, especially because of my physical appearance.

As quick as the boy/girl experience began it ended. I was on my own again for my senior year. I did go to my senior prom and dressed in the 'appropriate' attire and had one of my best girlfriends boyfriends, friend stand in with me as my "date" in the Prom picture. My lack of attention from boys ended when I found another inexperienced, virgin, "momma's boy", to be my boyfriend. I had taken the lead and asked him to dance, as I normally did when at a club. I had no fear of rejection from boys. They were not the threat because there were no sexual feelings or desires that factored into the situation. Our relationship began to progress normally and it was exciting at first. Even at the point I lost myself, I knew it felt wrong. I went through the motions and he was satisfied, I wasn't. Before I realized how much time had passed he was handing me a "present" (a diamond ring) at approximately five year into the relationship. I asked what this meant (knowing exactly what it meant) and as I watched the life drain from his face he explained it was a birthday present. A year later I broke off the relationship, accounting that it was "me" not "you" reason for breaking up. I cried after he left. Not out of sadness but out of joy for me.

Living With Labels

I cried every day for answers to questions that I could not face openly with both my internal and external labeled "dysfunctions". I had been raised and taught by both my family and society that "being gay" was not normal. Here I was, at puberty, with no hair (wearing an old ladies hair piece because there were not any for young kids at the time), having emotional feelings for the same sex and going to school at the height of the AIDS epidemic. To add insult to injury, so to speak, I began a long line of infatuations (which I thought was love) with many female friends, teachers and coworkers. The first one, in particular was the hardest to work through. I've heard the stereotypes and feel like a broken record by saying this but I was infatuated and in love with my athletic coach in Junior High School (1982). I selfishly soaked up the attention and mistook it for love. We maintained a friendship until the day I decided to come clean with my emotional feelings I had for her. The year was 1986; I was sure she felt the same and I went for it and professed my love in written form. With all the homophobia running rampant at this time no wonder she dismissed my letter, and me for that matter. I confronted her, thinking surely she would console me as a teacher/educator and then as a Lesbian herself. I was wrong. All I had fantasied came to a crashing, denying halt. The principal at my High School was contacted and called my Mother. I was sitting in the principals office angry and on the defensive that this matter was no one else's business except me and my coach. After that conversation went nowhere I was on my way home to meet my Mother.

My mind went numb and all I could think was that I had to deny that I was gay and in need of a convincing story. I cannot remember how the discussion began but I know that I cried a lot and continually prfessed that I was not gay. My Mothers response; "We have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow and you are going". I look at that visit now and wish that I hadn't lied to him but instead forced the issue to begin my journey as an open, out front lesbian.

All the attention, life counseling and reassurance that I was not "gay" but "straight" became a mask to hide my identity. I needed to feel confident that I wasn't some sort of freak so I focused on the exterior rather than the interior appearance of myself, which turned out to be almost as debilitating as if I had come out. The fears I faced during junior high and high school were not the norm of some of my peers today. I didn't hear the word; dyke, fag, gay, or even queer. If there words were spoken I would duck my head and run away from the conversation or the person. My worst fears were someone who said; "I hear you wear a wig" or the fear of having someone come from behind while at the water fountain and tug at my hair. I was conscious every second of every day about how I looked, how I held my head in the wind, and how I managed to play sports without my hair coming off. All the other stuff was just internal and under my own control, at least I told myself that frequently.

Female Friend Support

I can count on one hand how many women role models I've had in my early childhood. Each influenced me in ways that I don't believe they had ever intended. From two matriarch's; a gentle, witty woman of the WWII wives club and farming community and a soft hearted, hard nosed, self sufficient independent business woman, I learned the importance of standing on your own two feet, taking responsibility for your actions and of course that all important fishing tactic of "waiting till the bobber is totally under water before you jerk your fishing pole to reel in the fish". I know now that this metaphor speaks volumes to the many trials and tribulations I faced in my pubescent years and beyond. Additionally, I've learned more from the next generation's struggles and accomplishments as society's influence pushed forth. The following matrilineal descendants range from the honorable educated homemaker to the free willing, three times married, businesswoman. As the various liberal women's movements occurred, theses women seemed to struggle and accepted to stay within the female roles' that preceded them.

When I finally realized that I had these "tingly feelings" for my female friends I also had a debilitating, horrific, occurrence in my physical body. I was diagnosed with Alopecia Areata in 1981, which the medical profession was just learning about and researching the cause and hopefully a cure. I was told it was an "autoimmune disorder", which I would come to know later as "a genetically determined autoimmune disease in which the body's T cells identify hair-follicle cells as foreign invaders and try to destroy them."

I couldn't grasp the medical jargon and the medical doctors really couldn't give me answers to what would happen to me. I felt very alone, as if I was the only one in the world that had this condition. So, here I was at age eleven trying hard to figure out both these internal feelings and emotions towards the same sex and trying to identify who I was physically. In both cases I felt dysfunctional, a freak of nature, and punished. Right away I had immediate support, with regard to my hair loss, from family and friends. I would have to stomach an occasional derogatory remark from immature, ill-informed, by-standers. I also had the sympathy from strangers who thought I must have been going through chemotherapy or something like it and felt sorry that I must be dieing so they were sure not to make a comment. My mother took it as hard as I did, if not harder. She felt like she had done something wrong. I would find out much later that she questioned herself day after day. She wished it had happened to her instead of me. She saw comfort in telling me this at the time but I don't know that she ever found comfort, at least I can guess at this because I never have found total comfort in knowing my body is rejecting itself.

Almost twenty-five years later the roles were reversed when my Mother began treatment for Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. As she started wearing a hairpiece, mine came off. For the past few years I've had a "re-growth", different than times past, and as of today I no longer wear a hairpiece. I have spots here and there that stay slick and I can cover but overall it feels like a full head of hair. I've contributed this "re-growth" due in part to the reduction of living a closeted, stressful life (which "stress" was listed at the top of the list as the leading cause of my condition at the time) and finally living my life "openly"...not to my family of course, what kind of Queer would I be if I actually came out to my homophobic family? Don't answer that!. Overall, the closet door has been cracked and open for the past 10 years and I love every minute of it.

My Life is Not…"recounting the personal"

Where I come from

My life is not a "style". Being a lesbian and/or an artist is not listed or labeled in any advertising column I've seen for "lifestyles". Various "styles" I've recently come acquainted with include: Finance, Food, Travel, Technology, Cars, Pets, and Health.

I was raised in a heterosexual step-family and I do not consider this upbringing as contributing to me being Queer but there were many issues that did deter me from admitting to being Queer. I have a somewhat skewed definition of what loving relationships between strangers and for that matter marriage is and can be. I've learned from other people's experiences that are both traditional and nontraditional in form. My art-making deals with issues based on and around these relationships including Queer identity and the female body image. In order to understand my work a little better I will recount (aspects of) my personal story.

Early on in my life I became isolated, sharing my time between two different homes with only one home really feeling stable. Moving from a small town to a the big city, because of my Mother's third marriage, was the best thing that could have happened in my early childhood. My eyeys were open and I was ready to learn. I kept to myself most of the time and watched in wonder of everyone else around me. Looking back I'm not really sure what type of identity I could categorize myself as being a part of, it never really seemed to be brought up or maybe I wasn't aware of any lables that would identify who I was. I know that "tomboy" and comments from my Mother such as; "I think your Father wishes you had been born a boy" was used often but I think I wore it as a badge of honor rather than an image I needed to change.

The begining...

Who-Who am I?
What-What will I say?
Where-Where will it go?
When-When will someone respond?
Why-Why blog?

All of these questions I have in mind as I begin this venture into diary/soapbox/platform of words in cyberspace.

Who am I? "Ain't I A Woman" - Sojourner Truth (1797-1883) thank you for your wisdom. Yes, pennygirlpearl is my name for the purpose of staying true to my anonymity and autonomy simultaneously. "Penny" because I never knew I grew up with very little, "girl" because I feel I found my way to adulthood too quick, and "pearl" cause I am not a diamond!

What will I say? "The Truth Will Set You Free but First It Will Piss You Off" - Gloria Steinem (1934- ) thank you and thank you again and again and always for providing words to my silence.
Most the time I balance my feminist writing with art, activism, and awareness all the while centering around education and finding my voice.

Where will it go? "Our Visions Begin with Our Desires" - Audre Lorde (1934-1992) thank you for empowerment. My words will come from a surface that has been baked, boiled, simmered and stewed to feed my soul.

When will someone respond? "Expect Nothing Live Frugally On Surprise" - Alice Walker (1944- ) thank you for telling me about myself. I will continue to remind myself that true validation of my words will have to come from within.

Why blog? "Life-transforming Ideas Have Always Come To Me Through Books" - bell hooks (1952- ) thank you for giving me my rage. In order to speak from within, I must speak out.