Decisions

With the decision to deny myself, as a lesbian, I came to understand that my desire for other women would have to be silent. I made a pack with myself that I dare not admit to anyone, my love for women, again unless I felt certain I would be comfortable enough to stand-alone. I became shy, timid, and good at deterring annoying personal questions, asking if I was dating anyone.

As my senior year came near and the thought of college came about I had more and more questions about my future career choices than I did about the dating scene that I seemed to have escaped. It wasn't till the summer of my junior year that I had physical contact with a boy, unless I count when I was seven years old and tried the "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" experience. I was just excited as relieved that now maybe I could get out from under this questionable image that had been created a year prior when I professed my love for another woman. (see next post for that story) I began to think that maybe this was the one guy that would change my mind about loving and lusting after other women. He paid attention to me, to my amazement, especially because of my physical appearance.

As quick as the boy/girl experience began it ended. I was on my own again for my senior year. I did go to my senior prom and dressed in the 'appropriate' attire and had one of my best girlfriends boyfriends, friend stand in with me as my "date" in the Prom picture. My lack of attention from boys ended when I found another inexperienced, virgin, "momma's boy", to be my boyfriend. I had taken the lead and asked him to dance, as I normally did when at a club. I had no fear of rejection from boys. They were not the threat because there were no sexual feelings or desires that factored into the situation. Our relationship began to progress normally and it was exciting at first. Even at the point I lost myself, I knew it felt wrong. I went through the motions and he was satisfied, I wasn't. Before I realized how much time had passed he was handing me a "present" (a diamond ring) at approximately five year into the relationship. I asked what this meant (knowing exactly what it meant) and as I watched the life drain from his face he explained it was a birthday present. A year later I broke off the relationship, accounting that it was "me" not "you" reason for breaking up. I cried after he left. Not out of sadness but out of joy for me.