This blog is in response to the awesome-ness that is Fair and Feminist, someone you should follow on Twitter (@fairandfeminist) and on the blog (http://fairandfeminist.com/)
I am a 41-year-old “young feminist”. I am “young” to feminism in the way that I am using the word, feminist/feminism, more often in my everyday speak, my art making, and my career choice. I am not young to the belief in feminism and how it has impacted my life but I am young in a sense that I have found my voice much later in life.
Coming to this realization consciously, I decided to use this opportunity to share with others how I believe music and more specifically women in music was a stand in for my voice at an early age.
I was given a copy of “The Runaways”, the movie, for my birthday. As I watched a young Joan Jett and Cherie Currie kick, scream, shout, and sing their way to history, I was reminded why I fell in love with women in music. Music has been a part of my life, living as an open diary, a fantasy lover, a celebration of life, and a loyal friend I can call on at 3am.
I grew up with a small portable transistor radio, when all the hot top 40 stations were on AM radio, an eight track portable player, and a console TV with a five channel tuning knob in which I was the remote control, turning the dial till my Mom told me to stop. These were my resources to take me far away from my life in a small town (population 2,000) in Texas.
From Tanya Tucker (8-track Country) to Pat Benatar (Rock-n-Roll cassettes and MTV) I found myself learning the in’s and out’s of love in a rough and tumble type of “kiss me, but don’t think you can have me” attitude. As I look back now, I think I had many “click” moments of when I knew I was a feminist; I just kept them hidden inside.
The music was loud and blasting out of my room every chance I had. When I was old enough to drive, legally, I was always conscious of having a radio that worked. Radio was my salvation!
With every beat of the drum and grind of a guitar string or a sultry ballad, validating itself over and over, again and again, I knew that I could be and do anything I wanted. I was never told I was living in a feminist world at the price of other women that had come before me. I only knew that the women that were raising me were powerfully determined.
So, who were the women in my early life still speaking the words I wished I could, making me get out of my chair to grab my hairbrush to sing out loud and giving me the words to speak my truth? Here’s a list of just a few that come to mind as I reminisce my feminist music play list of my life. Cheers to all the women in music that remind us of our youth, our power and our passion for feminism.
Roberta Flack (my first 45 record), Donna Summer, Linda Ronstadt, Emmylou Harris, Tanya Tucker, Janis Joplin, Stevie Nicks (Fleetwood Mac/Solo), Dolly Parton, Grace Slick (Jefferson Airplane), Dusty Springfield, Karen Carpenter, Chrissie Hynde (The Pretenders), Suzie Quatro, Debby Harry (Blondie), Heart (Ann & Nancy Wilson), Patty Smith, Pat Benatar, Joan Jett (Runaways/Solo), Lita Ford (Runaways/Solo), Madonna, Annie Lennox, Tina Turner, Cyndi Lauper, Tracy Chapman, Melissa Etheridge, Stevie Nicks, Go Go’s, Aimee Mann (Till Tuesday), Bonnie Tyler, Cher
Link to listen to a few artists listed above:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLqPwl8IqpU
Friday, August 27, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Straight Night at the Gay Bar
--
Why did you come to "straight night" at the "gay bar"? Do you come to this bar when it is not straight night? Is this a gay bar? Are gay people here now? Are straight people here now? How do you know? Who decides who looks gay and who is not? Is the music you are listening to and dancing to gay or straight? Are the drinks you buy the same or different because of what night it happens to be or the name the bar happens to be tonight?
The lines between gay and straight nightlife has maintained a significant split as long as bars have existed here in Lubbock. Yes, a gay person does go to a straight bar. I should know, I’m one of them. I used to burn up the dance floor with as many straight guys I could find just to have fun and hang out with my straight friends. It was all very innocent because I knew the chance meeting would go no further than dancing. At times there was a "gender free for all" tendency on the dance floor, depending on the song of choice, but there was never enough freedom for two people of the same sex to dance openly with each other. Therefore, the gay bar scene would be that one location where anyone could feel safe and overcome any fears of retaliation.
Everybody, gay and straight, knows where to go for nightlife if they want to find something different, out of the ordinary, and in most instances the most open. Yes, you’ve guessed it, the gay bar is the place to be if you find yourself not fitting in. The straight folks I know that have found themselves at the gay bar, a many a nights, find themselves there because of the music, lights, specials and freedom. Through this mix of communities the lines seem to be blurring and a small circle of people have maintained a working relationship with little to no physical incidents requiring the Lubbock police to show up in force, until now when the place is advertised as "straight nite".
Living in the second most conservative city in the United States, those that self identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and queer, find slim pickings for an open night on the town. The gay bar life is one location that is available to meet, greet and be "Mary". Over the past year the two gay bars (defined by way of many displays of rainbows, drag queen shows and the queer community) in Lubbock have decided to host "straight nite". Interesting enough it has even been advertised on local radio. On alternating Friday and Saturday nights you will find people being turned away at the gay bars because they "look gay".
Using the distinctly decorated, remodeled (except the bathrooms), gay clientele climate for the purpose of straights only night has brought animosity among an already small gay customer base. Instead of catering to the mixed (straight and gay) crowd that has kept this business actively attended for the past ten years, segregation is rearing its ugly head, dividing the community for profit. Seems that the most tolerant and accepting safe place promoting freedom from ignorance and bigotry now aims to host predominantly straight patrons (distinguished by looks) without embracing the gay culture that has no other safe place to go except another "gay" bar that isolates and keeps gay people locked in a corner conveniently accepting this segregation, thanking their lucky stars for this one sliver of hope that there is in a town this size. The documentary by the Dixie Chicks, "Shut Up and Sing", comes to mind.
The worst of both worlds is occurring as a result of not allowing straight and gay bar patrons to mix at the gay bar. It is my theory that if segregation is advertised, condoned and mandated then friction on many levels is ineffective for all involved, resulting in intolerance and homophobia to run rampant.
It is my belief that, for some, nightclubs and bars are stand ins for community centers. For the most part, people utilize bars with "10,000 watts of sound and lighting pumping the hottest high-energy dance and hip-hop music" to forget about the world outside, allowing free flowing emotions to throw caution to the wind and celebrate life.
Can the owners shed some light on this topic? Can the patrons of these establishments contribute to this intolerance and bigotry by attending? I’ve heard witnesses of homophobic and degrading remarks spoken openly by both owners and patrons alike. I’m guessing the old saying "like goes with like" fits with this situation. For me, it’s hitting too close to home for my comfort zone.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Q&A with a a Feminist Artist
I'm starting a new project called Q&A with a Feminist Artist and I wanted to begin by asking for questions you think I should ask during my interview.
First some background:
As I'm returning from a long recess of playing with this blog thing, I came up with a way that I can do two things: promote women artist that are alive and working as well as promote my feminist perspective related to art and art making. So my idea is to help promote women artist in the community and beyond that specifically identify as feminist.
I got this idea because of all the reviews and interviews I've been seeing of "famous" artists with massive retrospective exhibitions (which are predominantly male). With a lack of feminist artist interviews I found myself drawn to an online interview by Artkrush (AK) with exhibition organizer Cornelia Butler (CB), regarding the show she organized called WACK! Art and the Feminist Revolution, I found myself focused on the last question of the interview.
AK: Is the art world still male-dominated, or is that a thing of the past?
CB: The issue now is that sexism — to use a rather tired term — is more insidious now because it's less overt. Young women and men have incredible access to the system at the entry level. The problem remains that women drop into a black hole at the mid-career level. In general, you have to be either 32 or 86, and there is a desert in between. Also, if you look at the institutional support in terms of retrospectives and major publications devoted to women artists, the statistics are still pathetic.
After reading Cornelia’s answer I thought of my artist friends and other women artist I admire that were supposed to be in this “black hole” of career development. This lead me to wonder, if a good number of my feminist artist friends, including myself, were supposed to be in this black hole of creativity then what is it that their work is saying that may contradict this statement? Is there any truth to this analysis of where women artist are and why they may or may not be visible to the art world? How could I get to some answers to these questions? Are my artist friends that I define as feminist artist defining themselves the same? Does their artwork scream Feminism? How would interviewing them help me find answers?
So, here we are. Post any interview questions you think I have to ask....
First some background:
As I'm returning from a long recess of playing with this blog thing, I came up with a way that I can do two things: promote women artist that are alive and working as well as promote my feminist perspective related to art and art making. So my idea is to help promote women artist in the community and beyond that specifically identify as feminist.
I got this idea because of all the reviews and interviews I've been seeing of "famous" artists with massive retrospective exhibitions (which are predominantly male). With a lack of feminist artist interviews I found myself drawn to an online interview by Artkrush (AK) with exhibition organizer Cornelia Butler (CB), regarding the show she organized called WACK! Art and the Feminist Revolution, I found myself focused on the last question of the interview.
AK: Is the art world still male-dominated, or is that a thing of the past?
CB: The issue now is that sexism — to use a rather tired term — is more insidious now because it's less overt. Young women and men have incredible access to the system at the entry level. The problem remains that women drop into a black hole at the mid-career level. In general, you have to be either 32 or 86, and there is a desert in between. Also, if you look at the institutional support in terms of retrospectives and major publications devoted to women artists, the statistics are still pathetic.
After reading Cornelia’s answer I thought of my artist friends and other women artist I admire that were supposed to be in this “black hole” of career development. This lead me to wonder, if a good number of my feminist artist friends, including myself, were supposed to be in this black hole of creativity then what is it that their work is saying that may contradict this statement? Is there any truth to this analysis of where women artist are and why they may or may not be visible to the art world? How could I get to some answers to these questions? Are my artist friends that I define as feminist artist defining themselves the same? Does their artwork scream Feminism? How would interviewing them help me find answers?
So, here we are. Post any interview questions you think I have to ask....
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Cleaning Up "Disappointment": Why I would be proud to work with Lt. Dan Choi
First question: why has it taken me this long to respond to Nonnie Ouch’s letter to Lt. Dan Choi? Second question: why do I care what one person living in Lubbock, TX says about GLBTQ activism? The answer is simply; for the past eight months I, along with many others, have been meeting, coordinating, fundraising, negotiating and planning GLBTQ Awareness events for Lubbock, TX. and I am financially and physically vested in efforts to bring local, state and national activist to speak.
Additionally, this letter has reached my twitter-verse and blogosphere GLBTQ/Feminist followers and I don’t want one person’s individual “disappointment” over money appearing to represent the larger body of GLBTQ people in Lubbock TX. I have read and appreciate Between Floating and Leeching: The Financial Struggle of the LGBT Activist by: Zack Ford (-promoted by Pam's House Blend) and What is feminism Worth? By Jessica Valenti. Your critiquing of Ms. Ouch’s topic was well spoken.
Once again, Lubbock has a “black –eye”, and the GLBTQ and Feminist grapevine is seeing why they might want to stay clear of our small city. I am left explaining to those potential speakers why Lubbock TX, conservative as it may be, needs and will financially support speakers like Choi to help create dialogue rather than debates.
I am one of many Lubbock GLBTQ activists that exist in this city of 200,000. I did not see the need to send an open letter regarding Lt. Dan Choi, because I was privy to more information than is public knowledge. Individual negotiation tactics were exposed and questioned. Asking these questions were additional Lubbock organizations, which understandably were willing to negotiate a fee with an agent instead of the initial liaison, first involved. Before this negotiation could take place, state media outlets picked up on Ms. Ouch’s letter.
I have had the good fortune of being part of community planning for the past 10 years. In this short time I have participated in raising funds ranging from small to large, bringing speakers of this caliber to Lubbock. A few years ago a coalition of community leaders and organizers came together to form a GLBTQ Awareness Committee. These members found it necessary to come together after a short lived Student Diversity Relations Department, on the University campus, was no longer in existence. Additionally, as of 2006, there is a virtual Community Center that is coming off a fundraising high from hosting a successful Art Exhibit & Auction. These are only a few examples, of many, that support our GLBTQ heritage, history and diversity way out here in West TX.
Living in the second most conservative city in the USA (taken from the Bay Area Center for Voting Research, 2006), my GLBTQ & Allies community is small but powerful. I thank the founders of the first GLBT Community Center (1985-1992) and the up and coming virtual community center of today, OUTwest Lubbock. I thank the health providers and organizations that have been here all along in small corners and on open avenues. I thank the religious communities for surrounding themselves in the common goal of equality for all. I thank the legal community that continues to represent so many GLBTQ individuals and groups, leading to state and national coverage of the public protest against Fred Phelps and his flock. I also thank Nonnie Ouch for reminding me how powerful our community is, here in a town people pass thru on their way to somewhere else.
The bottom line is; I would be proud to work with Lt. Dan Choi and his agent to bring him to Lubbock. He would make a great addition to our already present activist community that works out of love.
For more information on upcoming events in Lubbock, TX check out OUTwest Lubbock events page:
Friday, July 9, 2010
Rolodex of Feminism and Moving Forth
After a brief conversation last night trying to help a friend find a word/term for describing a group of feminist from author Ruth Rosen, I realized how much of a feminist virgin I am.
Putting that aside, what I am really lacking is the education of past feminist writings. I have wished, on a number of occasions, that I could rent a hotel room for a week and just read all the books that are on my third shelf. Room service would be frequent and bath time would be full of bubbles and books.
1.) The World Split Open: How the Modern Women’s Movement Changed America by Ruth Rosen (2000)
2.) Sexual Politics by Kate Millett (1969)
3.) Backlash: The Undeclared War Against American Women by Susan Faludi (1992)
4.) Epistemology of the Closet by Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick (1990)
5.) Gender Trouble by Judith Butler (1990)
6.) Outlaw Culture: Resisting Representations by bell hooks (1994)
7.) Different Daughters: A History of the Daughters of Bilitis and the Rise of the Lesbian Rights Movement by Marcia M. Gallo (2007)
8.) Women, Race and Class by Angela Davis (1983)
What else is on the shelf?
1.) Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons (2003)
2.) When Everything Changed by Gail Collins (2009)
3.) Girls Speak Out by Andrea Johnston and Gloria Steinem (2005)
4.) Faces of Feminism: An Activist’s Reflections on the Women’s Movement by Sheila Tobias (1998)
5.) Enlightened Sexism: The Seductive Message that Feminism’s Work is Done by Susan J. Douglas (2010)
6.) Click: When We Knew We Were Feminists by J. Courtney Sullivan and Courtney E. Martin (2010)
7.) Stonewall by Martin Bauml Duberman (1994)
8.) To Be Real: Telling the Truth and Changing the Face of Feminism by Rebecca Walker (1995)
With this wish of one day spending seven days (or more) dedicating myself to reading other feminist works, I’ll keep in mind that we all come to our own in our own time. I’ll also remind myself that it took me a few years to set the wheels in motion to research other feminist artist and I’m still adding to the list today.
The bottom line to this experience last night was that I enjoyed trying to help figure out the missing link and I look forward to future discussions that bring the past into the present; adding to my rolodex of feminism and moving forth.
Putting that aside, what I am really lacking is the education of past feminist writings. I have wished, on a number of occasions, that I could rent a hotel room for a week and just read all the books that are on my third shelf. Room service would be frequent and bath time would be full of bubbles and books.
1.) The World Split Open: How the Modern Women’s Movement Changed America by Ruth Rosen (2000)
2.) Sexual Politics by Kate Millett (1969)
3.) Backlash: The Undeclared War Against American Women by Susan Faludi (1992)
4.) Epistemology of the Closet by Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick (1990)
5.) Gender Trouble by Judith Butler (1990)
6.) Outlaw Culture: Resisting Representations by bell hooks (1994)
7.) Different Daughters: A History of the Daughters of Bilitis and the Rise of the Lesbian Rights Movement by Marcia M. Gallo (2007)
8.) Women, Race and Class by Angela Davis (1983)
What else is on the shelf?
1.) Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons (2003)
2.) When Everything Changed by Gail Collins (2009)
3.) Girls Speak Out by Andrea Johnston and Gloria Steinem (2005)
4.) Faces of Feminism: An Activist’s Reflections on the Women’s Movement by Sheila Tobias (1998)
5.) Enlightened Sexism: The Seductive Message that Feminism’s Work is Done by Susan J. Douglas (2010)
6.) Click: When We Knew We Were Feminists by J. Courtney Sullivan and Courtney E. Martin (2010)
7.) Stonewall by Martin Bauml Duberman (1994)
8.) To Be Real: Telling the Truth and Changing the Face of Feminism by Rebecca Walker (1995)
With this wish of one day spending seven days (or more) dedicating myself to reading other feminist works, I’ll keep in mind that we all come to our own in our own time. I’ll also remind myself that it took me a few years to set the wheels in motion to research other feminist artist and I’m still adding to the list today.
The bottom line to this experience last night was that I enjoyed trying to help figure out the missing link and I look forward to future discussions that bring the past into the present; adding to my rolodex of feminism and moving forth.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Artwork
Through visual art, I have broken my silence and hit my stride in depicting other issues that come with loving someone of the same sex openly.
My current work has given me room to experiment with my views, thoughts, and concerns about how "queerness" is documented, reviewed and subjected in society. I've been timidly labeling myself as a lesbian artist. As an emerging lesbian artist, I realize that I make the choice not to exhibit my work anywhere near a place it might come in close contact of a member of my family. I would also be uncomfortable teaching in a town where I could not be compelled to advocate for my beliefs that conflict with my family's belief system. With that said however, I do not shy away from making, discussing, and exhibiting my work in any other part of the United States. In many way, the appalling lack of Queer representation in schools, galleries, museums and other social public spaces and the lack of understanding the importance of Queer artists and histories is, to say the least, needing to be recognized. My work can be categorized as a means to mitigate that factor and add dynamic dialogue to the existing discourse.
The mainstream network of individuals advocating for the most recent Queer representation has focused on non-discriminatory rights for "gays to get married". Is the constitution the "place" to define marriage between one man and one woman? If divorce were scrutinized as much as same sex marriage has been this past year, then would the President of the United States (1) be so adamant about proposing a constitutional amendment? I see hypocrisy in today's political environment; selfish individuals that authoritatively condemn what is not their own. I see others defining and packaging their detached interpretation in order to visibly show people shaking their heads in agreement, which denotes understanding, to an issue/topic that they have not investigated themselves. I have issue with "followers" that do not know what they are following or don't seem to want to know why they are following. The knowledge structure and academic system should not be based solely on my "mythical norm, white....male....heterosexual..."(2) but I believe it should be open to all variations of the norm as defined by society.
With eager anticipation I predict that my art making will contest the repression that I have placed on myself and that I have faced in my life. This emotion I believe represents that advocate, feminist, independent woman that came from female family influences. Indirectly I now see how my early childhood experiences and influences came to direct my path as a lesbian and as an artist.
(1) At the time of my original writing Pres. George W. Bush was in office.
(2) "The Next Generation; Lesbian Learning/Learning Lesbian", Check, E and Lampela, L, From Our Voices, Art Educators and Artist Speak Out About Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Trandgendered Issues (2003)
- "Imagine having a secret desire and needing to invent a language to talk about it even to yourself. Imagine especially valuing truth over lies and finding it unacceptable both to deny one's desire and identity, and to live in a world in which it was so systematically erased and punished that there was no other way to state this desire/identity even to yourself but in a secret code." - Check, E and Lampela, L, From Our Voices, Art Educators and Artist Speak Out About Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Trandgendered Issues (2003)
My current work has given me room to experiment with my views, thoughts, and concerns about how "queerness" is documented, reviewed and subjected in society. I've been timidly labeling myself as a lesbian artist. As an emerging lesbian artist, I realize that I make the choice not to exhibit my work anywhere near a place it might come in close contact of a member of my family. I would also be uncomfortable teaching in a town where I could not be compelled to advocate for my beliefs that conflict with my family's belief system. With that said however, I do not shy away from making, discussing, and exhibiting my work in any other part of the United States. In many way, the appalling lack of Queer representation in schools, galleries, museums and other social public spaces and the lack of understanding the importance of Queer artists and histories is, to say the least, needing to be recognized. My work can be categorized as a means to mitigate that factor and add dynamic dialogue to the existing discourse.
The mainstream network of individuals advocating for the most recent Queer representation has focused on non-discriminatory rights for "gays to get married". Is the constitution the "place" to define marriage between one man and one woman? If divorce were scrutinized as much as same sex marriage has been this past year, then would the President of the United States (1) be so adamant about proposing a constitutional amendment? I see hypocrisy in today's political environment; selfish individuals that authoritatively condemn what is not their own. I see others defining and packaging their detached interpretation in order to visibly show people shaking their heads in agreement, which denotes understanding, to an issue/topic that they have not investigated themselves. I have issue with "followers" that do not know what they are following or don't seem to want to know why they are following. The knowledge structure and academic system should not be based solely on my "mythical norm, white....male....heterosexual..."(2) but I believe it should be open to all variations of the norm as defined by society.
With eager anticipation I predict that my art making will contest the repression that I have placed on myself and that I have faced in my life. This emotion I believe represents that advocate, feminist, independent woman that came from female family influences. Indirectly I now see how my early childhood experiences and influences came to direct my path as a lesbian and as an artist.
(1) At the time of my original writing Pres. George W. Bush was in office.
(2) "The Next Generation; Lesbian Learning/Learning Lesbian", Check, E and Lampela, L, From Our Voices, Art Educators and Artist Speak Out About Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Trandgendered Issues (2003)
Decisions
With the decision to deny myself, as a lesbian, I came to understand that my desire for other women would have to be silent. I made a pack with myself that I dare not admit to anyone, my love for women, again unless I felt certain I would be comfortable enough to stand-alone. I became shy, timid, and good at deterring annoying personal questions, asking if I was dating anyone.
As my senior year came near and the thought of college came about I had more and more questions about my future career choices than I did about the dating scene that I seemed to have escaped. It wasn't till the summer of my junior year that I had physical contact with a boy, unless I count when I was seven years old and tried the "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" experience. I was just excited as relieved that now maybe I could get out from under this questionable image that had been created a year prior when I professed my love for another woman. (see next post for that story) I began to think that maybe this was the one guy that would change my mind about loving and lusting after other women. He paid attention to me, to my amazement, especially because of my physical appearance.
As quick as the boy/girl experience began it ended. I was on my own again for my senior year. I did go to my senior prom and dressed in the 'appropriate' attire and had one of my best girlfriends boyfriends, friend stand in with me as my "date" in the Prom picture. My lack of attention from boys ended when I found another inexperienced, virgin, "momma's boy", to be my boyfriend. I had taken the lead and asked him to dance, as I normally did when at a club. I had no fear of rejection from boys. They were not the threat because there were no sexual feelings or desires that factored into the situation. Our relationship began to progress normally and it was exciting at first. Even at the point I lost myself, I knew it felt wrong. I went through the motions and he was satisfied, I wasn't. Before I realized how much time had passed he was handing me a "present" (a diamond ring) at approximately five year into the relationship. I asked what this meant (knowing exactly what it meant) and as I watched the life drain from his face he explained it was a birthday present. A year later I broke off the relationship, accounting that it was "me" not "you" reason for breaking up. I cried after he left. Not out of sadness but out of joy for me.
As my senior year came near and the thought of college came about I had more and more questions about my future career choices than I did about the dating scene that I seemed to have escaped. It wasn't till the summer of my junior year that I had physical contact with a boy, unless I count when I was seven years old and tried the "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" experience. I was just excited as relieved that now maybe I could get out from under this questionable image that had been created a year prior when I professed my love for another woman. (see next post for that story) I began to think that maybe this was the one guy that would change my mind about loving and lusting after other women. He paid attention to me, to my amazement, especially because of my physical appearance.
As quick as the boy/girl experience began it ended. I was on my own again for my senior year. I did go to my senior prom and dressed in the 'appropriate' attire and had one of my best girlfriends boyfriends, friend stand in with me as my "date" in the Prom picture. My lack of attention from boys ended when I found another inexperienced, virgin, "momma's boy", to be my boyfriend. I had taken the lead and asked him to dance, as I normally did when at a club. I had no fear of rejection from boys. They were not the threat because there were no sexual feelings or desires that factored into the situation. Our relationship began to progress normally and it was exciting at first. Even at the point I lost myself, I knew it felt wrong. I went through the motions and he was satisfied, I wasn't. Before I realized how much time had passed he was handing me a "present" (a diamond ring) at approximately five year into the relationship. I asked what this meant (knowing exactly what it meant) and as I watched the life drain from his face he explained it was a birthday present. A year later I broke off the relationship, accounting that it was "me" not "you" reason for breaking up. I cried after he left. Not out of sadness but out of joy for me.
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